heavy heart.

there's something painfully raw and real about life when you're grown up.

you are no longer a child lost in the world of fantasy and imagination. no longer are things healed quickly by a cookie, band-aid, or a kiss. i'm all grown up now (sort of), and sometimes, i wish that i can be hidden in the shelter of my mom and dad's arms. hidden from all the things that they grew up protecting me from.

its weird to go on facebook, and see a friend ive known since elementary school become engaged. or, see the girl that i was good friends with in middle school, married. or, see the guy that i was in geometry with, post his pictures of his newborn baby daughter. these things make me happy, makes me smile.

and while there is happiness around, there's also grief.

i am not one that deals with grief well. then again, who deals with grief well? there might be a few.

it seems like one horrible thing, after another is happening. and i know that there is nothing in my power that i can do, that can change that. and sadly, it makes me feel so very helpless. and ive come to the realization again and again, (and even more so now) that life is so fragile. it goes back to that leann rimes song which says "may you never take one single breath for granted." and really, that's the case here.

it terrifies me that life which can be concieved so easily, can also be taken away in just an instant. it reminds me of just how powerful God is. one to give, and one to take away so easily. to not rely on the things of this world. it reminds me of my grandfather who is 80 something. so healthy, but so convinced that he will be taken away, and he wont be ready. because of this mindset, he pushes everyone who loves him, far away. he sits in the dark day after day, and eats so little. so convinced that he's going to die, that he's actually waiting for it. perhaps its not death that terrifies me, but of the unfinished work that i still have left here on earth. i want to finish what i was brought here to do. i want to know that when i go to heaven, that God will say to me "well done my good and faithful servant. well done."

so going on back to my previous paragraph, i am only human. no supernatural powers. however, one thing does come to mind when i think of just how helpless i am. you know that poem 'footprints'? how God carried us even when we couldn't see? my heart rejoices, and it grieves, and all the while, my savior is carrying me and is with me the entire time.

its a jumble of my thoughts, and might only make sense to myself.

"Teach us to number our days aright that we may gain a heart of wisdom." Psalms 90:12